The Audacity of Self-Care
The Audacity of Self-Care
Reclaiming Our Worth
As women, we are culturally programmed to put our needs last. Consequently, we may go along to get along in our families, relationships, friendships, and professional roles. While self-sacrifice is sometimes necessary (i.e., parenting), always defaulting to this mindset can lead to resentment, exhaustion, and perpetual survival mode. As a counselor specializing in health psychology and women’s issues, I regularly see the impact of chronic selflessness on women’s well-being, and it isn’t pretty. Symptoms can show up as low self-esteem, tolerating abusive treatment, over-functioning at work to the point of exhaustion, or emotional eating to ‘swallow’ unexpressed needs, to name a few. If left unaddressed, chronic selflessness can slowly erode our mental, emotional, and physical health. Despite this, I often hear from women how selfish it feels to prioritize self-care. But ladies - self-care isn’t selfish; it’s a fundamental need for thriving.
The pandemic was a harsh example of cultural programming and chronic selflessness on women’s well-being. According to a 2022 study conducted by the Pan American Health Association, women working in healthcare during the pandemic were “more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, insomnia, or burnout than their male counterparts.” Why? Because “many of these same women were also responsible for 80% of chores at home.” This research is disturbing and, unfortunately, the status quo. Something has to give, and it can’t always default to women to take the brunt of the responsibility within our organizations and families.
While we can’t immediately change societal expectations of our gender, we can assert agency over our lives and choices. However, doing so can feel like swimming against a strong current, whether due to cultural expectations, an internalized acquiescence, or our life circumstances. Regardless, learning to prioritize self-care and to voice needs requires a change in mindset. Instead of my needs or others’ needs, the thinking needs to be more inclusive: my needs and then others’ needs. Caretaking others is noble, but constantly giving from an empty tank is martyrdom. Just like the safety directive heard on an airplane, we must secure our oxygen masks first before we can effectively show up for others. Yet, stepping outside the chronic selfless mindset can initially feel awkward or just plain wrong. Thus, the key to shifting this mentality is to start with small, manageable steps.
Learning to prioritize self-care requires taking small steps to avoid abandoning efforts altogether. Initially, it’s easy to default back to the familiar “my needs don’t matter” or “I don’t want to burden others” mindset, especially if efforts are met with resistance from within or with others. Dipping our toe in that water instead of diving in headfirst allows for the practice of being different without feeling too overwhelmed. For example, practice voicing needs with the least intimidating person or situation first. Or, focus on creating small pockets of time for self-care during a busy day instead of expecting to create big blocks of time. The point is that doing something is better than doing nothing and helps move the needle toward positive change.
The less alone we feel during the change process, the more likely we’ll hang in there when the going gets tough. The “I got this” mentality will not work here. This mindset is too isolating, and if the pandemic taught us anything, we need each other to thrive, even the most introverted and self-reliant among us. So, if we don’t have support allies within this change process, we must find them. Maybe it’s a few select friends or family members, a support group, a mental health professional or life coach - or all the above. What matters most is the quality - not quantity - of who is on our team. A little support can go a long way.
If you - dear reader - relegate your needs and self-care to last (or off!) a long list of priorities, I hope these words give you the permission and audacity to try different.
You are absolutely worth it.
Until next time…